The Star Spangled Banner and other random pieces
by Crystal Phoenix1
Summary: A vaguely humerous skit featuring our favourite characters.
1. The Star Spangled Banner

**Just shuffled the chapters around so we have the Star Spangled Banner stuff first, then other bits. **

**Anyhoo this is the first SSB fic. It isn't really much, but might give you some idea about the background!**

**None of this is mine!**

This is the pub, in America it would be called a bar. It's a place where people go to drink and get drunk, not always in that order. You may find something horribly familiar about the clientele.

The roar of jet engines shook the bar to its foundation stones. The wind kicked up by Thunderbird Two's arrival caused the US flag to flutter madly, and the sign above the door announcing that the bar was called "The Star Spangled Banner" to swing wildly on it's rusty chains. The giant green bug shaped craft touched down in the huge car park, already occupied by a WASP jet, a pink Rolls Royce, an SPV and several unmarked black stealth planes.

Inside the bar the chat, which had dimmed slightly with the noise of the new arrivals returned to it's usual level. The Hood and Captain Black were playing darts in one corner and plotting world domination. Troy Tempest was trying to get Marina drunk on various alcopops, he had high hopes of being able to "take her home" at the end of the evening. A hand of poker was being played out in a corner. Parker, Captains Scarlet and Blue and Phones were loosing impressively to Lady Penelope who had a big pile of chips at her elbow. The four were now extremely glad the proposed game of strip poker had not got off the ground. The five Angles were having a girly chat over their G'n'T's about the relative attractiveness of Hugh Grant vs. Captain Scarlet. Currently Hugh was winning on points, those points being his accent and nice bum.  
Just your average night out at the local then?

All five Tracy brothers entered, arguing furiously about who was getting drinks, and who was driving back. Alan lost the drinks debate and Virgil; much to his disgust lost the driving one. Mind you, drunk in charge of a huge green transport plane type thing is a serious offence, the continuity police come down hard. Usually making the accused watch Star Trek movies for several hours, or worse Titanic straight through.  
Alan returned from the bar and, with bad grace gave his brothers their drinks, all five proceeded with their current argument, this time about who got the worst deal in Attack Of The Alligators. Alan was attempting to prove it was him before Scott or John laid him out.

Up on the notice board, alongside the bar rules, (No spitting, No using the chairs as offensive weapons, etc). was list of sequel /prequel stories by Crystal currently in production, along with a plot summary and cast list. Atlanta was gloomily scanning it for ones which included her and Troy getting passionately involved, but was having very little luck as usual, most authors being engaged in writing Thunderbirds prequels. Muttering something about "Bloody authors." Under her breath she stalked over to where the poker game was in progress and asked to be dealt in next hand.

There are pubs like this all over the cosmos. Wherever people write fan fiction a place like this will be born. Somewhere that the abused characters can kick back, relax and air their grievances with their authors. Oh yeah, and seduce girls, and take over the world. And even get drunk if the mood takes them.  
Tonight was quiet though, no pub brawls, and no authors messing around on their laptops and rearranging the décor in the process.

No I tell a lie, Marina slapped Troy, hard, and walked out with Captain Magenta. Penelope cleaned Scarlet out, causing him to swear never to play poker with her again, (Come to think of it he said that last week, and the week before!). Alan got so drunk he had to be dragged into the car park and doused with cold water, (The barman keeps a full basin under the bar for the purpose.). The Hood won at darts but the takeover plan failed because he and Captain Black couldn't agree who to get rid of first.

Things like that happen every night, almost.

As you leave the SSB you will take notice of the sign saying Karaoke nights, Thursday's won't you? The management cannot be held responsible for damage to your sanity caused by sitting through tuneless renditions of "Angels" and "Love is All You Need." You have been warned!


	2. Mary Sue Alert

**I wrote this about four years ago and unearthed it recently while digging through my files on my mothers computer. I'm guessing I completed it just after my A-levels finished and I have to admit that I wasn't entirely sane at the time. I'm aware that it isn't really very funny, I'm more sarcastic than anything else, but it makes me smile so I thought I'd post it to see what effect it has on other people.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer, not mine, it all belongs to someone else, even the idea of the pub! **

The bar was unusually silent as the workmen and technicians finished their work. Most of the clientele had been observing the proceedings with varying degrees of apprehension. Finally Jeff Tracy spoke,

"Well Brains" he asked the creator of the sleek metal device, which was now snugly adhering to the doorframe of the main door. "Would you mind telling us what this is?"

"Er n-not at all, er Mr. Tracy." Answered the bespectacled genius. "It's a er M-Mary-sue detector"

"Brains" exclaimed Commander Shore, "You're a genius"

This is the Star Spangled banner, the supermarionation pub outside continuity. It has all the trappings of a normal (or derivative thereof) public house or other licensed premises, the bar, the jukebox, the pool room and a family room. The games machine in the corner emits random beeps occasionally but don't worry, it's essentially harmless. Well, I THINK it is. The bar itself serves various drinks, including the infamous Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, or at least its nearest human equivalent (I think it contains the traditional olive at least.). People have enquired about the décor. Think dingy, the pub has had numerous lights added over the years but NOTHING can prevent the "olde worlde" pub gloom which abounds. There are usually some ancient, smoke blackened beams set in the ceiling, but these, as is the case with all the interior fixtures are subject to change. This is complex and to describe the phenomena properly requires a good understanding of intercontinuity physics. Suffice to say that the décor is subject to change according to the authors personal preferences. This however is frowned upon by the clientele.

Recently the proprietor noticed that too many Mary-Sues were creeping into Supermarionation stories. He got worried.

No I'm wrong, he got furious. He HATES Mary-Sues and he has decided to protect his sacred charge by commissioning Brains to invent a Mary-Sue detector.

It's a good plan, however…..

"Er, t-this device only detects M-Mary-sues, er it doesn't stop them from er entering." Continued Brains as if the authors interjection had never happened. "We, er need to be vigilant".

"But Brains" put in Colonel White, "How do we stop the blighters getting in?"

"Yeah" added Jeff, "How am I supposed to play darts with 10 or so strange girls wandering in claiming to be my daughter or niece or cousin or something?"

"And what about us?" asked John Tracy "What are we supposed to do when half a dozen girls all claim to be our girlfriends at once"

"We kick back and watch a major cat-fight?" Asked Gordon.

"No." said Jeff firmly "We have to prevent them getting in at all. We need a bouncer."

So it was decided that Captain Black would be paid to watch the door and kick out all Mary-Sues. He was considered the most reliable choice because he wasn't bribable (they think that not everything was mysteronised in total working order!) Plus he looks kind of mean anyway. Colonel White voiced his concerns that Captain Black could not be relied upon to keep his promise not to mysteronise any casualties but it was pointed out, by a "think tank" headed by Dr Beaker, that an evil Mary-Sue could not exist outside her creators direct control. There was much relief at this, the last thing an out of continuity place needs is Mary-Sues trying to take over the world. It plays hell with the serious drinking which needs to be done.

Soon the beeping of the detector was herd as Mary-Sue after Mary-Sue was turned away and the phrase "Hi I'm Elinor/Katharine/Lucy/Amiee Tracy, I'm here to see my father" was interspersed with "I'm Timpani/Eulogy/Soliloquy Angel, Is the Colonel there?" And sometimes "I'm Marinas sister, but of course I can speak" echoed desolately through the car park.

Captain Black took to shooting the most persistent ones with the gun Scott had lent him but managed to hit none of them, Mary-Sues are notoriously good at dodging gunshots.

As Captain Scarlet pointed out, they get a lot of practice.

Some of them started singing strange songs in praise of Thunderbirds but Troy fired Sting missiles at them till they went away. Hopefully Brains will have that Mary-Sue repeller ready in time for the next expected wave.


	3. Drabble 1 : Flames

Troy was being watched with varying degrees of interest, disinterest and downright boredom by the pubs various patrons, as he dragged his fourth huge bucket of water through the door, (spilling much of it over the floor) and carefully placed it by the bar. No-one was quite sure where the buckets had actually come from.

"I think we are all ready" He said brightly.

"A bemused sea of faces stared back at him, puzzlement writ large on every countenance. Then a single shining light dawned.

"Troy", said Atlanta kindly "I think you maybe misunderstand what is meant by a 'flamewar'".


	4. Drabble 2 : Singing

**Another SSB drabble, just because I can!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, belongs to Carlton and whoever else has paid money. I have no money so obviously it wasn't me!**

**The idea for the SSB is based on the Subreality Cafe and This Time Round. If you want to write an SSB story (and let's face it you can probably do better than me!) then do so, no need to ask permission either!**

No-one is entirely sure why the consumption of alcohol causes some individuals to believe that they can sing.

At this point Spectrum's most accident prone captain was perched atop a very rickety table singing a song which was almost, but not entirely unlike bThe Fields of Athenry/b. As his voice soared, totally missing not only the notes, but most of the actual tune, the bars other patrons were having visions of burying him under the fields of Athenry just to get some peace. The final wail ended in an unsurprisingly huge explosion and everyone turned thankfully back to their drinks.


	5. Drabble 3 : Beer

**SSB drabble, my muse made me do it!**

**Guinness is very popular here in England and I thought I should do homage to it.**

**The last line of this drabble is a play on the wonderful advertising slogan of Hobgoblin Ale from the Wytchwood Brewery (so therefore not mine)!**

**Disclaimer: Even the idea is pinched from somewhere else.**

It has been said (although not by me!) that Guinness is ambrosia from heaven. Scott Tracy eyed the opaque black and white pint before him with trepidation. He wasn't used to beer you couldn't see through. Someone, for reasons unknown and unfathomable, had drawn a stylised cloverleaf on the white froth at the top. He muttered

"I don't think we are in Kansas any more Scotty." then he turned to the blonde sitting next to him.

"This IS beer right?" he asked nervously. "Actual beer?" Penny grinned happily

"What's the matter Budwiser boy? Scared you might actually taste something?"


	6. One Week

**Another piece of weirdness, written at least six months before the last one. A song to the tune of "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. I'm backing up all my stuff on my mothers computer at the moment as she is thinking of getting a new one so there may be more to come!**

**Please excuse the poor quality rhymes, I was taking exams at the time and not entirely in my right mind.**

**Disclaimer: It is not mine, unfortunately.**

One Week

(a tribute to Thunderbirds, Tune by the Barenaked Ladies)

It's been one Week since the last rescue,

In TB 5 John didn't miss his cue,

7 days since I saw it last,

Wanna catch it tonight so I must work fast,

3 days since the annual came,

reading it at the bus stop in the rain,

Yesterday I shouted "HEY"

"How come I got no Thunderbirds on my birthday."

Watch it now and see the Hood blink,

It make's me stop, think,

I think I'm looking at a crazy man,

Thunderbirds arein the air,

An' I really, reallydon't care,

That they're puppets 'cos they really got thatreal hair.

On an Island in the Pacific,

I'm writing song filk's,

And they are all about rhyming,

Barry Gray wrote the big hits,

Some songs have me in real fits,

Better than listening to Alan's whining,

An ad break, let's make a shake,

2068 was a fake,

Scott's not my favorite character

Just watch the show,

And then you know,

That vertigo is gonna grow,

Cos the gantry really was a factor,

Can I help it if Thunderbirds has sent me mad,

Watching it makes me really glad,

I'm the Kinda girl who laughs at the pitfalls,

Can't understand what I mean, you soon will,

Though it brings the ridicule of many,

I gotta admit to watching Gerry.

**I was obviouslycrazy when I wrote this, but R and R anyway guys!**


	7. Writing a fic

**Another update, just strange stuff I came up with once upon a time, (7 years ago in this case, eep). R+R even if you hate it.**

How NOT to Write a Supermarionation Fic

**Why this author hates writing by committee. A short(ish) piece of inspired lunacy, which I wrote after a late night conversation with Stephen!**

**Bold type **author interjection

**Okay, let's start**  
Gordon: I hope we _all_ get decent sized parts this time.  
**Your point is taken. I promise, everyone will have something to do.**  
Alan: Yeah, well all your fics tend to be better for the women than us guys.  
**I haven't had any complaints. Yet. **  
Troy: But when did you last finish a long piece?  
**Erm. **  
Troy: My point is proved.  
**You're just sulking because I have never written a fic that includes you getting off with anyone. **  
Atlanta: The girl has a point Troy.  
**Thank you. Now to start. **_**The rain poured down the windowpanes and dribbled through the gutters.   
**_Scott: Let me guess it's set in England again right?  
**(Angrily and defensively) Well yeah, at first. **  
Virgil: Why the angry and defensive tone?  
**Because he's accusing me of being England fixated. **  
Scott: Actually I'm not, but you are rain fixated. After all, five of your six Buffy fics have it raining. And they take place in California.  
**Okay then, **_**The hot Spanish sun rose high over the mountain reaches. **  
_Scott: I thought that was how you started that Dr Who novel.  
**Shut up!**  
Captain Black: Do the Mysterons get to take over the world?  
**NO! **  
Captain Black: Why not?  
**Because a rule of good fiction is that the good guys always win. **  
The Hood: But how boring does that make it?  
Troy: Come on no one is likely to actually read this rubbish anyway.  
**(Sarcastically) Thank you, now if the author bashing session is quite finished perhaps we can get on with the task in hand.**  
Captain Scarlet: Ooooh someone's moody.  
Alan: Will there be humorous parts for all the female characters, which include them, removing items of clothing?  
**NO!  
**All the boys: Awww.  
**I'll have you know that I've studied the classics. **  
Gordon: So have we. Most of us know the classics backwards.  
Alan: Yeah Eht Scissalc.  
(Blank looks from around the table)  
Alan: The classics backwards.  
**(Dryly) That joke was first broadcast on the light program in November 1944.  
**(More blank looks)  
**Never mind.**  
Virgil: Oh ha ha.  
Captain Blue: Well that's the standard of humour she produces after exams.  
**Crystal Winces Please, can we get off topic?  
**Scott: Oooh Neuroses.  
**Yes exactly. I really DO NOT want to talk about that!  
**Captain Black: Why Not?  
** (Takes deep breath) Well...  
**Captain Scarlet: Seriously, Don't get her started!  
The Hood: Yeah, she'll never stop.  
**Thank you both for the vote of confidence. **  
Alan: Anytime!  
**Anyway, does anyone have any good ideas on where this fic should go? **  
Captain Black: Yeah, The Mysterons take over the earth...  
The Hood: Helped by me of course.  
Captain Black: They then destroy Cloudbase, Marineville and Tracy Island, The End  
**No! Oh crumbs WHY do I bother?**  
Atlanta: Uh Oh, multiple question marks! She's getting stressed.  
**Wouldn't you?**  
Atlanta: Around these jokers? All the time.  
**I might as well give up and write ANOTHER comedy fic!**  
Virgil: Comedy?  
Scott: You're a hopeless comedy writer!  
**RIGHT THAT'S YOU TWO OUT FOR A START! **  
Scott: Suits me!  
**Oh I give up! I'll write this fic without any help from you lot. (Storms out muttering about "bunch of mindless jerks")**  
Alan: Charming!  
Gordon: She'll be back! Anyone for Poker?


	8. Plots

**More oddness. It started out as random SSB fluff, then developed. I'm starting to wonder about my sanity here!**

**As always it isn't mine.**

The jukebox in the pubs corner burped gently, gave a strange metallic pinging noise, and started playing a cover version of "Hey Jude". It wasn't obvious which cover version, but that didn't really matter, they are all pretty awful! The noise in the bar had abated at the first sign of life from the machine, but rose again when the song became obvious.

Believe it or not there are worse crimes against music than "Hey Jude" and the one time, after one too many vodka tonics (and a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster) emptied into the mechanism, that the box had played a cover of "Mandy" the shockwaves had nearly destroyed the car park. Since then the clientele had treated the machine with a little more respect, after all no-one wanted a repeat or worse, a Chris de Burg cover!

It is interesting to note that the jukebox of the Star Spangled Banner plays absolutely NO original music, only cover versions. It even plays covers of songs which, in reality, have never been covered. On the other hand the borders of Reality and Imagination are pretty odd anyway, so it is perfectly possible that it picks them up from Somewhere, or indeed Somewhere Else.

Even the Proprietor isn't sure where the Jukebox comes from; he said he purchased it as part of the fittings when the previous owners sold up. The fact that the asking price was so low, and that the sellers left in a VERY fast car as soon as he had the keys in his hand is possibly indicative of something. Or not, this is just idle speculation, the buying and selling of unreal estate isn't really my bag!

It STILL doesn't explain the pinball machine though, although after what happened to Fermat the one time it was used no-one wants to speculate! No simple machine should be THAT inventively nasty with a steel ball and a spring. Titan was seen taking notes.

Subreality is an interesting place.

Actually Subreality is a terrifyingly strange place, where crazy impossible things happen all the time and the basic laws of Reality (like gravity and space/time) are, at best, vague guidelines. No wonder there are so many pubs there!

In Subreality anything can happen... and does... with monotonous regularity. In Subreality purple giraffes stalk the plains, giant white rabbits sit at bars, drinking tequila, fictional characters cut loose for a bit and muses, ghosts and other super (and sub)-natural beings walk.

Hang on a moment...

Giant white rabbit?

Drinking Tequila!

In the Star Spangled Banner?

OK, first off; what, who and where, plus a HUUUUGE side order of why?

I am deeply confuzzled!

Nothing new there then.

Marina walked through the door, and paused on the threshold. The bar looked as it normally did this early in the day. The few characters that were actually present were, for the most part, drinking coffee or other non-alcoholic beverages, only the giant (and dentally oversupplied) white rabbit sitting at the bar was drinking anything else. Specifically it was drinking tequila shots, and a pile of empty glasses and chewed lemon peel at its elbow suggested that it had been there a while. Marina scanned the rest of the pub, looking for a reasonably sane person who might be able to explain this phenomenon.

Atlanta Shore waved at her from a secluded corner and Marina slid thankfully into the booth besides her friend, flicking her eyes pointedly at the bar where the proprietor was wordlessly lining up a few more shot glasses.

"Don't ask me!" replied Atlanta with a small shrug, "Apparently it turned up a few hours ago and has been here ever since."

Marina rolled her eyes.

"Yep" responded Atlanta.

Marina got up and wandered over to the bar. The rabbit turned its head to look at her and she shivered as she noticed the crazed red eyes, but it just turned back to its drinks. The proprietor slid a small mug of thick espresso over to her with the ease of long practice and she gave him a small thumbs up. It was uncanny how he managed to know what she wanted without her having to go through the usual rigmarole of writing it down. She put the money on the bar and walked back to Atlanta.

Atlanta was staring at the table in the opposite corner of the room looking puzzled.

"Someone is hiding under that table!" she hissed as Marina sat back down.

Marina raised her eyebrows, and looked in the direction which her friend had indicated. There was indeed a human shape hunched under the table. She beckoned to Atlanta and they casually sauntered over.

"Hi" said Atlanta brightly as they drew close and she was rewarded with a gasp and a muffled THUNK as whoever was under the table straightened injudiciously and hit their head.

"SSSSSSHHHHHH!" Came the sub table voice, and Marina peered closer to identify the speaker. She straightened up and made the universally recognised sign for author (a finger rapidly circling in the vicinity of the ear).

"AAAAH" said Atlanta, it was too much to expect comprehension, but authors are all a little weird, so she bent down to see who it was. "Hi Crystal" she grinned, "Any reason you are under there". In answer a pale hand flicked out in the direction of the rabbit.

Atlanta and Marina just looked at each other.

"OOOOkay" said Atlanta pulling out a chair, "Tell us all."

"It is a Plot-Bunny" hissed Crystal, "Keep your voices down, I want to get out of here before it spots me!"

"What is a Plot Bunny doing here?" asked Atlanta "And why is it so big? They are pretty small usually aren't they?"

"Did you see its eyes?" muttered the harassed author "It is a Badfic bunny! I REALLY can't afford to be caught by one of them again."

Both Atlanta and Marina shuddered, although they didn't get assigned to as much Badfic as some characters, but it was always a horrific experience.

"How did it get here? They normally live in Imagination don't they?" Queried Atlanta

"Usually, but I think it is being attracted by the large numbers of Authors in Subreality, Plot Bunny sightings are getting quite common in some areas."

"But you are the only author we've ever seen here"

"I know, I think it has wandered here by mistake"

"Oh"

"I'm getting cramp!"

Atlanta just grinned.

The bar slowly began to fill up as more people filtered in, most giving the rabbit a wide berth, although it appeared to have no interest in characters (like all badfic bunnies). Various people began to congregate around Atlanta and Marina, and Crystal found herself being surrounded by a forest of legs. This suited her just fine as it made it more difficult for the Plot-Bunny to spot her, however the cramp was starting to get intense.

"It is a Plot-Bunny, and Crystal is hiding from it under the table" said Atlanta for what felt like the fiftieth time (it was actually only the 28th time, but it was getting dull). She had managed to pare the conversation down to the bare minimum.

Scott Tracy wandered over, clutching a pint of the weak fizzy beer that most the Americans preferred, he was still drinking it despite Penny's best attempts to wean him off it and on to something with actual flavour.

"Bad news guys!" he exclaimed, hooking one foot around a spare chair leg and pulling it towards the table (provoking a muffled YOW from the hiding author as a injudiciously placed size 11 came down on her fingers). "The proprietor says we need to get rid of the rabbit"

"Pity." replied The Hood, "I was getting to like it, it adds tone to the old place"

"Tone?" asked Parker "Ow does it do that h'exactly? It is a giant, h'evil rabbit."

"Well there you are then; it's pretty much self explanatory."

"Oh"

"Still doesn't explain why he wants us to get rid of it though." commented Captain Black who had wandered over with a dart in his hand.

"Apparently it is drinking the bar dry. The only stuff left now is a few bottles of those unnaturally blue vodka drinks, some strange sticky stuff in a dark bottle, which might be made from bananas and the Budweiser." Grimaces of disgust crossed the faces of the serious beer drinkers.

"That is it" decided The Hood, "It's got to go!"

"Why?"

"The next delivery isn't until Tuesday; can you imagine having to drink Bud until then?"

Captain Blacks face twisted in distaste "Only too well." he agreed with a shudder.

"So how do we get rid of it?" This last interjection came from Scott, who was less concerned about the quality of his beer and more about the horrible potential that there would be no alcohol at all left in a very short space of time.

"Ummmmm"

"No idea"

"Dunno"

"Don't look at me!"

"We could use bait to lure it out!" said Captain Magenta helpfully

"What bait?" asked Atlanta carefully.

Scott peered under the table, a pair of worried eyes peered back at him.

"I think..." he said, making a grab for the cowering author "we have some bait right here" his hand came up with a fistful of blond hair attached to a, by now very worried, Crystal.

"Oh no, oh no, no, no, no."

"Come on, it is probably the only way" cajoled Scott.

The crowd around the table stared at her and her resolve began to crumble. "I've got cramp!" she complained, in a last ditch effort to stave off the inevitable.

"Exercise, just the thing" boomed The Hood with an evil grin.

"Okay, okay. Get me two double espressos" From her pocket she drew a small packet of caffeine pills.

"Why coffee? You don't even drink coffee." exclaimed Captain Black. Crystal gave him a level stare.

"I stand a chance of getting away from that thing on a caffeine high." the author sighed, "Not much of a chance it has to be admitted!"

Two triple espressos later

"Horrible, but it's starting to kick in." Crystal was beginning to vibrate slightly as the caffeine took over. "If this doesn't work guys then you will ALL star in whatever excrescent rubbish that thing makes me produce." Some of the more sensitive members of the crowd edged carefully away. "I won't spell check it either!" Captain Black appeared to be having second thoughts, as he and The Hood manhandled her over to the door.

"Hey Bunny boy! Over here!" The rabbits head snapped around, and it licked its lips in anticipation. Crystal made a muffled meeping noise; somehow it appeared twice as big this close. The rabbit prepared to spring as Crystal was released; she hit the ground running and took off across the car park and into the mists, hotly pursued. Her fading scream away dopplered into nothing.

Captain Black shut the door firmly behind them. "Anyone care to bet whether she escapes?" he asked with a malicious grin.


	9. Ants who say Nee

Spring, when the birds sing, trees blossom and a young mans fancy turns to thoughts of love, although that sort of thing happens in quite a different (and considerably more attractively decorated) sort of bar.

It is also a time for hedgehogs, dormice and politicians to wake up after a winter spent hibernating; especially it is a time for ants. Most places get the odd crop of ants every year or so, here the ants are odder than normal, but this IS a pub outside continuity so really what did you expect? It's humour (honest!), but viewed from the wrong end of the telescope!

The bar was silent; everyone was staring down at the black letters on the countertop,

"Take us to your leader".

Finally Professor Popkiss spoke,

"I wonder which leader they mean," he said, his brow wrinkling. The letters shifted as the mass of ants moved,

"Any leader" they now spelt out.

"Cor Blimy" exclaimed Parker, "They 'erd us"

The mass changed again, "Of course we did big nose". At the back of the crowd someone chuckled, Parker glared round, but failed to spot who it was.

"I hate ants," said someone else, the ants replied to this with an impressive range of words, of the sort not commonly found in a dictionary...

Well not a polite dictionary anyway.

"I don't think they're too keen on you either!" remarked Troy, then, turning he asked "have we tried ant spray?" everyone looked down as a rustling sound came from the bar top, Brains who was peering at the ants through a magnifying glass straitened up and said,

"They're – er- laughing," he flicked away an ant which had strayed onto his glasses, and continued, "W-w-what we have here is a-a-an infestation of -er- super intelligent, highly organised (here the ant which he had flicked away now ran up his trouser leg and bit him on the shin) YEOW, er, er- vicious ants" He rubbed his leg painfully.

"I concur" said Popkiss, "and in answer to your question Troy, yes we tried ant spray, and no it did not work! They appear to be virtually indestructible" When he had said this every head in the room turned to nail Captain Black with a hard look.

"What?"

Arms were folded, eyebrows were raised, and feet were tapped. The mysteron agent's face took on a sulky look,

"It wasn't us! At least I don't think so, let me check" he fished in a pocket and pulled out a gun, a grenade, which he passed to Scarlet, and a notebook which he started flicking through.

Scarlet pulled the pin on the grenade, fortunately Colonel White saw him,

"If you HAVE to blow yourself up do it outside" He ordered.

As Scarlet wandered out of the helpfully opened door the eyes of every other Spectrum captain turned to watch him, ten seconds later there was an explosion and another crater was blasted in the car park. Watches were consulted,

"I make it twenty minutes." said Captain Magenta.

"I don't get it!" exclaimed Jeff, "I thought he was your best agent", sniggers came from every corner of the room and even the ants spelt out the words "tee hee hee"

Colonel White grinned, "No, I send him out on missions because he's so humorously inept! Sitting behind a desk all day is such a dull job, plus there's the office sweepstake."

"Sweepstake?"

"Yeah, we each pick a time that we think he will blow himself up at and the closest to the actual time wins."

"That would be me this time" piped up Lt Green, "I got half an hour"

"AAAH" said Jeff "I see"

Captain Black put away the notebook, "No ants" he said "aardvarks and a few antelopes, but no ants, no insects at all in fact!"

"Aardvarks?" queried Colonel White sceptically,

"Yep"

"Oh"

Attention was turned back to the ants, Jeff cleared his throat,

"So what do you guys want?"

"Mwahahahaha" wrote the ants, then "we want a shrubbery"

"Monty Python ants!" exclaimed Captain Black "We're in HUGE trouble now"

"Okay" said Jeff calmly "What do we have to do to get you to go away?"

"We want Monty Python" said the words, "As much as we can carry"

"Oh dear" said Popkiss "since an ant can carry several times its own bodyweight we could be in trouble now!"

"We are the ants who say 'nee'"

"Oh dear!"


	10. Drabble 4: Love, or somthing like it

**Yet another drabble! So far I have had a grand total of 11 reviews and I would like to thank Quiller, Cinn, Shirley Ann Burton, ms. imagine, and Flaming June for taking the time to give me some feedback.**

**WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOU?**

**Just review the dratted thing!**

**Still not mine!**

"Sho…" slurred Alan dropping his empty shandy glass on the bar top. Sluggish neurones spluttered in the alcohol soaked pathways of his brain, trying desperately to think of something interesting and intelligent to say.

"Sho…." He tried again, the two faces in front of him coalescing briefly then beginning their whirling dance once again. He could see the beautiful figure in front of him lean forward, hanging on his every word. He tried again,

"Sho… what's your name darling?" The vision took a breath.

"OIIIINK" replied Oink, and licked Alan's face.

Alan fell backwards off his chair in horror.


	11. Drabble 5: Stupidity

**Yet more oddness from the random world of me! My life is sailing along a catastrophe curve and the wagon is loosing wheels left right and centre so I might not update this for a very long time.**

**On the other hand I might go absolutely crazy, and end up on sabbatical with lots of time on my hands. Hurrah! We shall see.**

**By the way my advice to anyone contemplating a PhD is Don't!**

**Yet again my authorial waffle contains more words than the actual drabble. **

**Disclaimer: I no own, please no sue, good for me, best for you!**

Venus patted Captain Scarlet's pockets with the ease of long practice, a huge grin on her face.

"Look…" Said Scarlet, "I promise I don't have any gelignite, dynamite, plastic explosive, gunpowder, or any other explosive materials"

"Okay" Agreed Venus, but I was told to check, your record isn't exactly good you know!"

"Fine" Snapped Scarlet "Now can I go get a drink?"

"Sure"

"Thank you!"

As he stepped into the bar there was an explosion, a lot of smoke and a new hole in the roof. A Scarlet speck was fast disappearing. Venus sighed;

"Why does he always do that?"

**Click on the little button in the left hand corner and tell me what you think! Go-on, you know you want to!**


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